


Am I Not

by Ysabetwordsmith



Series: Love Is For Children [17]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Adopted Loki, Adopted Sibling Relationship, Adoption, Angst, Books, Boundaries, But Mostly Hurt, Communication, Communication Failure, Daddy Issues, Depression, Dubious Consent, Dubious Morality, Dysfunctional Family, Dysfunctional Relationships, Dysphoria, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Imprisonment, Internalized racism, Isolation, Lies, Loki Feels, Loki Has Issues, Loki Needs a Hug, Loki's Head Is a Bag of Cats, Magic, Manipulation, Mental Anguish, Mental Coercion, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mother-Son Relationship, Motherhood, Non-sexual, Past Abuse, Past Mindrape, Past Suicide Attempt, Past Torture, Poor Intrapersonal Skills, Racism, Reading, Rejection, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Shame, Sibling Rivalry, Soul Violence, Species Dysphoria, Subterfuge, Suicidal Thoughts, Trust Issues, Truth, Verbal Abuse, Victim Blaming, WARN ALL THE THINGS, Wisdom, You can smell crazy on him, envy - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-09
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-08 03:11:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1924518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ysabetwordsmith/pseuds/Ysabetwordsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki and Frigga talk while he is imprisoned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Books I Sent

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place after _[Thor](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thor_\(film\)) _ and _[The Avengers](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Avengers_\(2012_film\))_ but borrows significantly from scenes in _[Thor 2](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thor:_The_Dark_World)_ even though the second movie is not canonical for this series; and it happens prior to "[Love Is for Children](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9139725.html)." It's a conversation between Loki and Frigga, and Loki's thoughts on his situation. Understand that Loki is a hot mess, Odin is an abusive bastard, Frigga is caught up in their wreck of a family, and consequently this is not one of the lighter stories in the series. But folks have been asking me to include Loki for ages, and I finally figured out a way to do that without mangling the plotlines.
> 
> Not all the end notes would fit, so I moved some here...
> 
> [Color symbolism](http://www.three-musketeers.net/mike/colors.html) includes the effects on people as well as the connotations. White has both [positive and negative meanings](http://desktoppub.about.com/cs/colorselection/p/white.htm). It can be [soothing and spacious](http://www.nola.com/homegarden/index.ssf/2014/04/more_tips_for_decorating_with.html); it can also be [cold, isolating, and clinical](http://www.empower-yourself-with-color-psychology.com/color-white.html). [Loki's cell](http://geeklafemme.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/loki-reading-3.jpg) is a weird blend of cold and warm, harsh and comforting elements. It's like a horrifying little nutshell of their family.
> 
> Privacy can be a serious issue in families. [Hovering parents](http://discipline.about.com/od/typesofdiscipline/a/Helicopter-Parents-Do-They-Help-Or-Hurt-Kids.htm) may stunt emotional growth. Children growing up in the shadow of a famous [brother](http://www.theguardian.com/politics/2011/jul/25/david-cameron-big-issue) or [father](http://nypost.com/2009/11/01/in-my-fathers-shadow/) have a special disadvantage. It's hard for them to [develop healthy boundaries](http://www.jsc.edu/StudentLife/CounselingServices/documents/Developing-Healthy-Boundaries.pdf). [Privacy harm](http://ilj.law.indiana.edu/articles/86/86_3_Calo.pdf) violates boundaries and [threatens autonomy](http://www.computerworld.com/s/article/9066958/When_does_a_privacy_breach_cause_harm_), even if people think "[they have nothing to hide](https://chronicle.com/article/Why-Privacy-Matters-Even-if/127461/)."
> 
> Solitary confinement is [especially harsh on children and adolescents](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/rabbi-shmuly-yanklowitz/should-children-be-in-solitary-confinement_b_3111151.html). Remember that in _Thor,_ Odin excused Thor's behavior as "the actions of a boy," and Thor was just about to ascend the throne as an adult. So Thor is the social and probably developmental equivalent of eighteen or so; Loki is younger, maybe around sixteen. They're powerful, they have centuries of experience, but they're basically teenagers.

The cell was quiet and spacious. The pure white was soothing in a way, or at least, not actively irritating. The furniture stood out starkly against it, sleek dark wood and curls of wrought iron adorned with rich fabrics. The cell was pleasant, even luxurious, as such things went. The one thing it was not, of course, was private, three walls of transparent force providing a clear view of Asgard's dungeon.

Loki did not have it in him to protest the loss of what he never had. He knew that this was the most honest his life had ever been. He had grown up in a prison not of his making, and never known it. But the complete and utter lack of privacy? Oh, _that_ he had known about, growing up at a prince's side. Loki may as well have been a gilded fish in a tank of glass, for all the peace he had, courtiers staring at him day and night, only to forget about him the moment Thor appeared.

Was it any wonder, then, that Loki went off on his own, when he tired of such sport? He had loved his brother, once, but their company had grown unbearable to each other. So Loki learned to walk the hidden ways where few could follow.

Fabric rustled and shadows stirred. The ghost of a smile touched Loki's lips.

Well, there was always _one_ who followed.

"The books I sent, do they not interest you?" Frigga asked.

Loki schooled his face to an impassive mask before he turned around. Only then did he allow his gaze to pass over the stack of thick, leatherbound volumes which rested upon the table. "Is that how I'm to wile away eternity, reading?"

Though in truth there were worse ways to spend it. Loki occupied most of his time in study, if left to his own devices. Frigga knew that. She had taught him that, as she had taught him so much else.

"I've done everything in my power to make you comfortable, Loki," she said. The too-bright light of the cell caught on the spun gold of her hair and the textured fabric of her gown. Loki could not help but admire the artifice of it.

He was not comfortable, though. He had never really been comfortable. He simply used to do a better job of fooling himself. It was somewhat of a relief to let go of that and let the ugly truth poke through, like a splinter working its way out of a wound.

"Have you?" Loki said. "Does Odin share your concern? Does Thor? It must be so inconvenient, them asking after me day and night." That was half a truth, and Loki knew it even as he said it. Odin would fling him into an oubliette and never look back. Thor could not have held his tongue if the whole of Asgard depended upon it. That hurt. Loki resented how much it hurt.

"You know full well that your actions have brought you here," Frigga scolded. She feared for him, even still. Loki could hear it hiding under her tone. He might have worried at that, if he had any energy left for it. He did not.


	2. So Vain and Useless a Thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki and Frigga debate whose fault it really is that he's locked up.

"My actions," Loki said, letting the bitterness seep out like poison. Was there ever so vain and useless a thing in all the realms as Loki's actions? "Let us recount whose actions began the war between Asgard and Jotunheim. That would be King Bor. We should further consider whose actions led to me growing up in the wrong realm, raised on tales to make me despise my own kind as monsters. That would be King Odin." His mouth gave a wry quirk. "If we are handing out blame, I seem to have come late to the party. There is little left but crumbs for me. As usual."

"Your father --"

"He is not my father!" Loki shouted. The pain of it tore at him even now.

"Then am I not your mother?" she countered, her voice as gentle and unwelcome as worried fingertips upon a sunburn.

Loki hurt so much that he just wanted to hit back. He wanted someone else to hurt as much as he did. So he cooled his voice to indifference and replied, "You are not."

"Always so perceptive about everyone but yourself," Frigga said. Her eyes glinted in the harsh light, rimmed silver by tears even as she smiled at him.

He had made her weep. _For him_. Oh, surely Loki was the vilest creature that ever lived! They were right to call him a monster. Look what he had done to the only person who loved him, not in spite of what he was, but because of it. He knew it was all false, and yet he had no strength to resist being taken in by it just the same.

"I am a fool," Loki muttered, dropping his gaze to the toes of his boots. They were scuffed and dusty, as disreputable as the rest of him.

"The question is, _my son,_ whether you will remain one," Frigga said. "I bid you recall what I said to you when you were very young, and we quarreled over how you were to spend your time."

Loki could not help but remember. _Do the work your tutors have left for you, and then you may go play_. Frigga had said it over and over again. Loki had learned, eventually, that if he did the work briskly enough he could get outside while there was yet daylight left for exploring the gardens. Thor never did learn, and Loki would not leave him, so perforce they both stayed inside more days than not. In time Loki had come to love the books for their own sake. They held no savor for him now, though.

Frigga took a step toward him, holding out her hands. Even knowing, Loki found himself stepping into her reach. The moment their fingers touched, her magic flared along his, shocking as storm-sparks. The illusion frayed away into a roil of golden motes that faded from the air.

Loki was left with naught but his own thoughts for company. Sometimes he hated them, always yowling and scratching at him, wild as barn cats.

_Please, don't make things worse ..._

Define 'worse.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end notes are too long; read them on the [original Dreamwidth post](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9777500.html), where the story is now complete.


	3. The Only Reason You Are Still Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki muses about Frigga and Odin and the nature of his imprisonment.

Frigga had spoken for Loki, of course. She always did, and it always hardened Odin's heart even further. Frigga believed that if only Loki would cease provoking Odin, then Odin would desist from tormenting him. It was one of very few things about which Loki had ever seen her mistaken, but then, love blinded people to a great deal. Odin might give concessions with one hand, but he would take back twice as much with the other.

_Frigga is the only reason you are still alive and you will never see her again,_ Odin had said.

That had not lasted a week, and Loki had paid the price for it. The guards taunted him without mercy for every book, every cushion, every flask of wine that she sent to him. His cell glittered with small luxuries, golden platters and crystal bowls and even a brazier to keep his food warm, nevermind that he preferred to let it cool before partaking of it. The guards called him a mother's pet and asked if they should fetch him skirts instead of breeches.

_If only they knew,_ Loki mused, thinking of the chastity dagger that Frigga had given him and not even Odin would take away, because relieving Loki of his virtue might splash some stain on Odin as well. It could have been worse, though. Look at what Odin had done to Thor, his trueborn son. Even now, Loki flinched away from the memory of that soul violence. At least the dungeon was honest in its cruelty.

Sometimes Loki cut into the guards with incisive remarks about their weaknesses, their many errors, the flaws in their petty little lives. Other times he _thanked_ them for what they brought, just to see the look of dumb surprise on their broad bovine faces. They were never far away when he spoke with Frigga. They watched, sneering, from the far side of the hallway. Let them gape, then. Loki was long accustomed to being a spectacle.

They were watching now, in fact, mocking him for trying to touch an illusion. Another thing they did not know was that Frigga could have touched him with more than just a flicker of magic, if she wished. She was as adept as he was at walking the ways between: she had taught him everything he knew, and she knew far more than she had taught him, being older -- and, Loki admitted silently, altogether _wiser_ than himself. Even that fleeting brush of power told her anything she might want to know about his condition. Loki could not bring himself to deny her that much, for whatever comfort it might bring.

She was, after all, his mother. Try as he might, he could not dig her out of his heart. Frigga was in him as surely as if she had given birth to him. It was only spite that made him pretend otherwise.

Loki flexed his hand, then rubbed the fingers against his leather-clad thigh. They ached. His magic always ached, these days. His heart hardly hurt less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Negotiating with an abuser](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/judith-acosta/psychological-manipulation_b_1615196.html) is tempting but rarely ends well. It often appears in dysfunctional families where the [mother tries to buffer the father's violence](http://wcadv.org/sites/default/files/resources/DV_and_Parenting.pdf) against their children.
> 
> Odin: Frigga is the only reason you are still alive and you will never see her again.  
> \-- _[Thor 2](http://www.moviequotesandmore.com/thor-the-dark-world-quotes.html)_
> 
> The [Chastity Dagger](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ChastityDagger) trope usually applies to women but may apply to men, especially effiminate ones. It has its roots in actual [knife fighting](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Knife_fight), as some cultures traditionally equipped women so: "An exception to the manly use of the _navaja_ as a fighting knife was the _salvavirgo_ ("chastity knife"), a small knife carried by Andalusian women in a bodice or leg garter as a weapon of self-defence." In canon, Loki uses very small blades wielded with respectable skill for fighting at point-blank range. My headcanon for this series is that, after seeing everyone else disrespect Loki's skill at magic -- usually considered a woman's art -- Frigga decided to arm him in the manner befitting a sorceress.
> 
> Soul violence refers to how the [spirit can be injured](http://www.wildspeak.com/other/soultransience.html), particularly [through abuse](http://www.examiner.com/article/words-torture-the-soul). This applies both to Thor and to Loki. [Damaged Soul](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/DamagedSoul) is a trope relating to characters so badly wounded inside that they find it difficult or impossible to behave in a normal manner. Mjölnir is a type of [empathic weapon](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/EmpathicWeapon), because it must be able to read a person's soul in order to decide who is "worthy." It is bonded to Thor, so removing it must necessarily do a great deal of damage; the same applies to ripping out Thor's divinity and magical power. It's not all gone, or permanently gone, because Thor survives and is able to recover later; but it's still a horrific injury, perhaps akin to dislocating all his arms and legs and _leaving_ them that way for several days. Too long, and the damage could be permanent. Fortunately Mjölnir is a [Clingy MacGuffin](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/ClingyMacGuffin), so the plot leans toward reunion. Compare the initial attempt with the hero ramming his dislocated shoulder against the nearest tree and then going, "OWFUCK time to try something else."
> 
> The [language of adoption](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Language_of_adoption) has evolved over time to support a more nuanced awareness and better handling of [complex family dynamics](http://www.canr.uconn.edu/ces/child/newsarticles/FCS513.html). A "real mom" is [one who does the work of raising a child](http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/blogs/post/real_mom/). Frigga clearly loves her sons and tries to help them, even though she hasn't gotten them away from their abusive father. Adopted children sometimes [reject one or both parents](http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=272). There are ways to [deal with this rejection](http://adoptive-parenting.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/dealing-with-rejection-by-your-adopted-c/comment-page-1) and [accept the core issues](http://judymmiller.com/2011/05/the-core-issue-of-rejection/). There are ways to [help an adopted child bond with their new family](http://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/813802/helping-your-adopted-child-bond-to-you-1), especially for [transracial adoptions](http://transracial.adoption.com/interracial/racial-cultural-identity.html). (Basically do the opposite of everything Odin did.) [Most adopted children are happy](http://life.familyeducation.com/adoption/nontraditional-families/45763.html), and families can [take steps toward a positive outcome](http://foreverfamilies.byu.edu/Article.aspx?a=106). Adoption is very badly handled in most entertainment. Think about Thor's thoughtless rejection of Loki on the Helicarrier ("He killed eighty people in two days." "He's adopted.") and you can see why Loki refuses to believe that Thor's care is sincere. [Not funny](http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/05/16/that-hes-adopted-one-liner-in-the-avengers-not-funny/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0), especially given that children are often [teased about being adopted](http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=1003).


	4. No Barren Moon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki's thoughts torment him with how much trouble he is in.

_I could have done it, Father! I could have done it! For you! For all of us!_

_No, Loki_.

Memories pecked at him like ravens upon a corpse, tearing his thoughts to shreds. If only that part had come true. The fall _(the jump)_ from the Bifröst had left him so weakened that he became easy prey for whomever might scoop him out of the wind between the worlds. He could have caught himself, but had chosen not to, seeking a death that somehow always eluded him.

_Am I not a fool, to have brought about my own doom?_ Loki thought. His tongue was no kinder to himself than any other.

_You are not,_ his mother's voice teased, who had taught him this as all her other arts.

In the end it had not helped. Nothing Loki did would ever be good enough. He was left with the shame of failure and the deep, ineffable pain of his wounded power.

_If you fail, if the Tesseract is kept from us, there will be no realm, no barren moon, no crevice where he cannot find you. You think you know pain? He will make you long for something as sweet as pain!_

Asgard was no barren moon. It was a great and shining citadel, as impossible to miss as the sun, and here was Loki like a black blot at the heart of it. His captors would have no difficulty finding him here. The Chitauri might be ravaged, but they were mere pawns, not the ones whom Loki feared. Others would come for him, sooner or later, tracing him by the construct of magic they had stabbed into the tender core of him. No wonder it throbbed so.

Even with his talents mostly bound, he could feel it. Nothing could contain him forever, of course -- he was a god of chaos, among other things -- so the pressure would simply build and build until it finally burst free. He did not look forward to that rupture. In the meantime, the construct still niggled at him.

It had felt worse when they touched it, though, twitching at the line to make the barbs dig into the most vulnerable parts of his mind. Not even centuries under the Allfather's discipline could steel him against that. The torment had left him wailing, reeling for balance under the worried gaze of his hawk.

Loki missed the fellow more than he would have thought possible, missed the bold heart and the clear blue eyes touched with a single mote of golden-brown like a hawk aloft in a summer sky. Loki missed his stargazer too, all quick wit and a thirst for knowledge nearly the equal of Loki's own. They hated him, of course.

How could they not? Who would willingly serve such a monster as himself? A man wanted a wholesome master, one whose name and face gave pride to all his servants. Loki could never be that, and having nothing to give, would never attract any servant of worth, not on his own auspices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end notes are too long to fit here; read them on the [original Dreamwidth post](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9783847.html), where the story is now complete.


	5. The Books She Had Left for Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Loki thinks about how his captivity could endanger everyone else, and finally figures out what his mother is up to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ends "Am I Not." Thank you all for sticking with the series this far! I love your input. Final thoughts on the story overall are welcome, in addition to reactions on this specific chapter. I also have a list of [favorite photogenic scenes](http://ysabetwordsmith.dreamwidth.org/9313791.html) from the whole series for fanartists to consider, partly compiled from audience requests.
> 
> A note on feedback: While it's not necessary to comment on every post I make, remember that I don't know who reads/likes things if nobody says anything. Particularly on long stories, I've discovered that I get antsy if there's nothing but crickets chirping for several posts. So it helps to give me feedback at least once, even if it's just "I like this" or "This one doesn't grab me." First and last episodes are ideal if you rarely feel inspired to comment in the middle.

Loki had used the staff to secure their service. He had used it shamelessly, because it was all he had. Loki wished for men to desire him as their lord, to follow him, to admire him. If they would not of their own accord, why then he would _make_ them.

But he was ashamed, in the end, wasn't he? Ashamed that he could not hold the kind of court that Thor could, forever cast in his brother's shadow while followers flocked to Thor like geese when a baker flings bread. Instead all of Loki's efforts failed, as usual.

Trapped, waiting for his captors to come and snatch him up again -- Loki could do nothing to stop it. His whole world would pay the price for his folly. No one would believe him if he tried to warn them. They never did. Sometimes Loki wondered why he wasted his breath.

_Hope, I suppose,_   he said to himself. _But then that went over the edge of the Bifröst, did it not?_

Still Loki could not help himself. He would think of something. He had to. There was nobody else to do it. He could not let Asgard fall to the machinations of the Other, not without at least trying to save it. Even if it had never truly been his home, it was dear to his mother. For her sake he would dare even failure.

With a sigh, Loki turned his attention to the books she had left for him. They were old, and dusty, held together more by preservation spells than by ancient leather. The scent of his mother's magic clung to them like perfume. Loki picked up the uppermost volume and pressed his cheek against it, trying to capture the fleeting impression of her fingers upon the cover. He brushed the dust away, and the title glittered silver in elvish runes.

His mother had introduced him to the magic of the Ljósálfar when he was no more than a stripling. Challenging as it was, it had captivated his attention more than most of Asgard's offerings on the topic. That had led to his mad adventures among the uppermost twigs of Yggdrasil. But surely this was a mistake, Frigga could not have meant --

Loki caught his breath.

_Do the work your tutors have left for you_ ...

If he could use the things she had sent to him, books and flasks and brazier and all, so very innocuous, so plausibly deniable, except that he had never needed the whole of a sorcerer's workspace when the best of his power lay beneath his own skin, such that these few tidbits meant far more than they seemed in his hands. If he could take advantage of the time he was given to study, months or years or however long it took. If he could find out what had been done to him. If he could find a way to _undo_ it. Then he would have a chance, and by the Norns he would take it, whatever the cost.

Loki was nothing, if not his mother's son. This he could do.

... _and then you may go play_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Many people [want to be liked](http://ldsmag.com/article/1/12851), but it's better to [be yourself](http://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/stop-trying-to-be-liked-and-start-being-you.html). People may also want to be [respected or admired](http://www.examiner.com/article/to-be-respected-or-admired). There are ways to [stop seeking approval](http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Stop-Seeking-Approval). Loki craves affirmation from other people because he got too little of it growing up, and starving people do crazy things sometimes.
> 
> There are many [definitions of shame](http://www.healingshame.com/resources.html). It can [turn toxic](http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter6/chap6_139.html), and [shame-based people](http://sfhelp.org/gwc/pop/shamebased.htm) suffer a lot of problems. Know how to [overcome shame](http://www.angriesout.com/teach8.htm). The most important thing here is Loki's honesty with himself: admitting that what he did to Clint and Eric was disgraceful, did not meet his needs, and only made him feel worse. So Loki isn't likely to repeat that mistake.
> 
> [False love can be toxic](http://www.catholicnewsagency.com/column.php?n=2293). Understand how to distinguish between [healthy real love and harmful false love](http://whatislovedrcookerly.com/571/healthy-real-love-or-toxic-false-love/). What feelings the staff created in Clint and Eric were artificial, and therefore unsatisfying. What Clint, Eric, and Loki felt about each other _on their own_ was muddied by the manipulation but still genuine, and will remain for them to deal with later.
> 
> [Hope](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hope) is [sweet when present](http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-power-prime/201206/what-is-the-best-emotion) and [bitter when lost](http://www.academia.edu/896005/What_is_it_to_Lose_Hope). There are ways to [overcome hopelessness](http://www.gainhope.com/hope/overcominghelplessness.cfm), including particular [advice for different types of it](http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2009/10/14/the-9-types-of-hopelessness-and-how-to-overcome-them/). Loki's suicide attempt was spurred by a loss of hope when Odin made it clear that nothing Loki did would ever be good enough.
> 
> The Ljósálfar or light elves appear in [Norse mythology](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/D%C3%B6kk%C3%A1lfar_and_Lj%C3%B3s%C3%A1lfar) and [Marvel canon](http://marvel.wikia.com/Light_Elves). They are [associated with magic](http://eaglesnest1488.com/index.php/tag/dokkalfar-and-ljosalfar/), including the ability to pass through doors or travel the branches of Yggdrasil. Given that [Loki](http://marvel.com/universe/Loki) and [Frigga](http://marvel.com/universe/Frigga) have magic, but Asgard seems to look down on such things, it's likely that at least some of their knowledge comes from places where people respect it more. Here's a good [essay about their use of magic](http://www.thediscriminatingfangirl.com/2013/11/13/frigga-loki-and-magic-in-marvels-thor-the-dark-world/) in _Thor 2: The Dark World_.
> 
> [Plausible deniability](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Plausible_deniability) originally had political connotations. In certain subcultures, however -- kink and Paganism among them -- it refers instead to the use of [ordinary objects for ulterior purposes](http://annabeljoseph.com/tag/bdsm-bingo/). A wooden spoon makes a fine whapping toy; a candle is equally useful for blackouts or rituals. In this case, Loki's cell is full of stuff that any sorcerer could use for spellcasting, but which the battle-minded Asgardian guards would never recognize as any kind of credible threat. In essence, Frigga slipped him a nail file in a cake that nobody would look for. You don't give a master sorcerer _books_ unless you want to stage a jailbreak. How do we know it's Frigga? Nobody else gives a fuck about Loki and all the other cells were barren. The goodies had to come from her.

**Author's Note:**

> Loners may be [happy](http://www.essentialkids.com.au/younger-kids/starting-school/why-i-am-glad-my-child-plays-alone-20140120-313f5.html) or [unhappy](http://www.hincksdellcrest.org/ABC/Teacher-Resource/The-Child-with-Poor-Social-Relations/The-Unhappy-Loner.aspx) about their solitude. Understand [how to tell the difference](http://abclocal.go.com/wpvi/story?section=news/parenting&id=8175676). There are ways to [help shy children and teens interact more](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/susan-stiffelman/shy-teens_b_2424735.html). Loki shows signs of enjoying his own company and being uncomfortable with others, but sometimes he tries so hard to fit in only to have people tease him. It's painfully obvious that the Warriors Three and Sif are _Thor's_ friends more than Loki's, and Loki doesn't really have any of his own. That's never a good thing. There's a tension between Thor and Loki where it's clear they used to love each other above all else, but now they can barely tolerate proximity. It's just a mess.
> 
> Frigga: The books I sent, do they not interest you?  
> \-- _[Thor 2: The Dark World](http://www.moviequotesandmore.com/thor-the-dark-world-quotes.html)_
> 
> Books are [friends](http://www.thehindu.com/todays-paper/tp-in-school/books-are-my-best-friends/article4989423.ece) and [teachers](http://language123.blogspot.com/2008/07/books-good-teachers-friends.html). This is especially true for smart, shy children who may find it difficult to win acceptance from other people.
> 
> There is often a [conflict between ugly truths and beautiful lies](http://www.opheliaswebb.com/2012/05/truth-or-beauty/). People lie for [many reasons](http://www.realsimple.com/work-life/life-strategies/truth-about-lying-00000000012669/index.html). In Loki's case, people never seem to believe him regardless of what he says, and blame him for things going wrong whether he had anything to do with it or not. He is said to be a god of lies, but really, he's a god of inconvenient truths; another dichotomy.
> 
> [Mocking humor](http://outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/TargetedHumor.html) is a common defense mechanism. Loki turns the sharp edge of his tongue as readily on himself and his kin as on his enemies. While he's a more capable fighter than he realizes, that's not his true strength; his words are far more dangerous than any material weapon he might wield.
> 
> If you know anything about abuse and dysfunctional families, Frigga's dialog probably raised several red flags. [Victim-blaming](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Victim_blaming) is a serious problem, particularly [in child abuse](http://www.freemalaysiatoday.com/category/opinion/2013/08/06/who-do-we-blame-for-child-abuse/). It harms [abuse survivors](http://voices.yahoo.com/how-victim-blaming-harms-abuse-assault-survivors-3752818.html?cat=72), who often wind up [blaming themselves for the trauma](http://drkathleenyoung.wordpress.com/2010/01/25/shame-and-self-blame-after-trauma/). This causes [psychological problems](http://www.breastfeedingmadesimple.com/thelongshadowHFM.pdf) and [maladaptive coping mechanisms](http://www.drmartinklein.com/childhoodabuse.htm). Compare Loki's personality and behavior to [traits of abuse survivors](http://www.celebrate-recovery.org/Groups/Abuse/CR%20Abuse%20Characteristics.pdf).
> 
> LJ user Marianros pointed out that Thor and Loki have a [Golden Child and Scapegoat](http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/golden-child-scapegoat.html) dynamic going, which is common in families headed by a [narcissistic parent](http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/narcissism-definition.html).  The other parent may then enable [the abuse](http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/forms-of-abuse.html).  In this case, Odin is an [engulfing](http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/engulfing-mother.html) father and Frigga is the [enabler](http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/enabling-father.html).  You can see how Odin tries to subsume Thor while rejecting Loki.  People use [invalidation](http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/invalidation.html) and [gaslighting](http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/gaslighting.html) to shape Loki's reputation; notice how much this spills over onto how Thor and his "friends" treat Loki.  Know how to [deal with a narcissist](http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/how-to-deal-with-a-narcissist.html).


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